The Aisle Seat - Movie Reviews by Mike McGranaghan
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THE AISLE SEAT - by Mike McGranaghan

"HARD BREAKERS"

Hard Breakers
Sophie Monk and Cameron Richardson play demure aspiring nuns in Hard Breakers. Nah, just kidding.

Hard Breakers reminds me of the cheesy, over-the-top 80's "sexploitation" comedies guys in my college dorm used rent on VHS. The entire point of them was to have a lot of hot, half-naked girls and a parade of smarmy jokes. This one surprisingly doesn't have much actual nudity, but it certainly has a lot of sex, and the humor is single-minded in its drive toward crudeness.

Alvin and the Chipmunks' Cameron Richardson (i.e. quite possibly the world's worst actress) plays unlucky-in-love Alexis. She seems to attract losers, including an ex-boyfriend who refuses to go away. Not faring much better is best friend Lindsay (Date Movie's Sophie Monk). Every time either of them picks up and sleeps with a guy, he turns out to be a total douchebag. Deciding they need to rethink their dating strategies, the girls opt to pursue a caveman-like approach by bashing potential mates over the head, dragging them back to their shared apartment, and having their way with the victim before casting him out. Hard to believe women like this can only attract douchbags, huh? They even find a mentor (Tia Carrere) who instructs them in the joys of using tranquilizer guns to do their bidding.

A couple of other recognizable faces make cameos. Tom Arnold plays Alexis's father, who starts dating a young floozy, and Chris Kattan portrays a kinky filmmaker who may or may not be willing to give Alexis her big break.

Hard Breakers is kind of impervious to reviews. Is it any good? Of course not; it's unspeakably awful. But let's be honest about something: no one who attends a movie with this plot - or with Tom Arnold and Chris Kattan in the cast - goes in expecting "good." I doubt that even the people who made Hard Breakers were shooting for "good." No, a picture like this exists for one reason only, and that's titillation. Richardson and Monk spend the entire movie in very revealing clothing. There is a scene in which several nearly-naked women wrestle in Jello. There are jokes about vibrators and dildos and breast size and menstruation. In case you miss the intention to titillate, it even stops the plot cold to include some blatant product placement for the "Flirty Girl Fitness" DVD line. Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

Interestingly, Hard Breakers was directed and co-written by a woman, Leah Sturgis. I suspect she thought that she was making some kind of exaggerated female empowerment satire in which the two protagonists behave in a sexually aggressive manner more likely found in males. In truth, the final product is completely the opposite: an indulgence in the male domination fantasy held by some young men. Guys, imagine a couple of hot chicks knocking you out, dragging you home to screw your brains out, then letting you leave without commitment, or even a false promise of a phone call later on.

I'm not going to give Hard Breakers a traditional star review. It doesn't need one. The picture has its audience, and it will fill the bill for them. No one outside that narrow demographic need bother. This is a movie that drunk guys in their twenties will watch together to get that titillation factor, and high fives will be abundant. I am no longer in my twenties, nor do I consume alcohol. Maybe you are, and you do. If so, then, hey, did you hear about this movie called Hard Breakers, bro?


Hard Breakers is rated R for sexual content and drug use. The running time is 1 hour and 38 minutes.