The 10 Worst Films of 2023
Some people think critics shouldn’t do Ten Worst lists because they’re “mean.” I disagree. Part of the function of a critic is to put the cinematic year in perspective, especially for future generations, who may have a different take on the films. (Psycho and Bonnie and Clyde for example, got quite a few poor reviews in their day, which is useful to make note of now.) In that spirit, I present my well-intentioned, yet honest picks for the Worst Films of 2023.
10. Vindicta - This unintentionally hilarious slasher movie focuses on an EMT (Elena Kampouris) being targeted by a masked killer who slays people with ancient torture devices, then scrawls Latin on walls with their blood. Wow, that’s a lot of work! Visibly cheap and dramatically absurd, Vindicta made me laugh harder than most of 2023’s comedies. Co-star Jeremy Piven’s death scene is particularly uproarious.
9. Camp Hideout - This faith-based slapstick comedy about a kid hiding from criminals at a summer camp shamelessly plagiarizes from Home Alone. Even worse, it contains the very un-Christian message that it’s okay – and a little bit fun – to physically harm your enemies.
8. The Retirement Plan - Even Nicolas Cage admits he’s made some very bad movies. This is one of his worst. It’s an amateurishly made “comedy” about a retired criminal pulled back into his old ways in order to save his daughter and granddaughter. Writer/director Tim Brown lazily assembles tired cliches, adding absolutely nothing new or original. I have no clue why Cage wanted to make this, except that he got a paid vacation to the Cayman Islands.
7. Nandor Fodor and the Talking Mongoose - Loosely based on a true story, this comedy is an overly talky affair about a paranormal psychiatrist (Simon Pegg) investigating reports of a mongoose that can speak. Potential for quirky comedy would seem to be embedded in that premise. The movie finds none of it, and the attempt to turn the story into a metaphor for religious faith is too thin to have meaning.
6. Devilreaux - A roughly 10-minute appearance from horror legend Tony Todd is the main selling point of this cheap looking, incompetently made fright flick about a mythical villain borne from historical racism. Yep, it’s the Dollar General version of Candyman. What else can you say about a picture where the director thanks Joel Osteen “for inspiration” along with Hitchcock, Spielberg, and Carpenter?
5. Sheroes - Four young women take a trip to Thailand, then become impromptu action heroines after one of them is kidnapped. That could be the setup for a fun romp, but too much time is spent on EDM-scored montages of the characters screaming, dancing, and cavorting around half-naked. Poor performances and inept action scenes don’t help.
4. A Little White Lie - Michael Shannon – a fine actor who presumably was either blackmailed or lost a bet – plays an apartment building handyman mistaken for a brilliant, reclusive author by college professor Kate Hudson. He accepts her invitation to appear at her school’s literary event, leading to all kinds of farcical shenanigans. The Three’s Company-esque plot and humor is beneath Shannon, and the idiotic contrivances are insulting to the viewer’s intelligence.
3. Dicks: The Musical - Everything about this movie made me cringe: the artificial production values, the annoying lead actors, the obnoxious tone, the lousy songs, the endless unfunny genitalia jokes, and the mistaken belief that taboo humor is funny without a larger context. Even at a brief 84 minutes, it got on my last nerve.
2. Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey - A.A. Milne’s beloved character went into the public domain, so enterprising filmmaker Rhys Frake-Waterfield decided to turn him and Piglet into deranged murderers for this brain-dead horror movie. His inspiration ended there. The film isn’t scary, lacks wit, and is made with the artlessness of a 5-year-old playing around with a camcorder. This is exploitation fare of the lamest variety.
And my choice for the Worst Film of 2023 is:
1. Nefarious - The makers of this faith-based picture tried to fool audiences by selling it as a Silence of the Lambs-style thriller, thereby hiding their true agenda, which is to push a radical right-wing agenda. And what a strange, un-Christian premise they concocted. The bad guy is psychiatrist James Martin (Jordan Belfi), an atheist who is pro-choice, believes in marriage equality, and cares about race and gender issues. The hero is a literal demon that has inhabited the body of a murderer (Sean Patrick Flannery) about to be executed. That demon unleashes sufficient evil to scare Martin into accepting that God might really exist. In case the audience is too stupid to understand the point, conservative pundit Glenn Beck is brought in for a stultifying 6-minute concluding scene that spells out in detail everything Nefarious has just spent 90 minutes saying. But seriously, what kind of faith-based movie tries to make you root for one of Satan’s minions?
